Feel that emotion, baby...

Just performed tense negotiation, well actually more like a stand-off between my mum and myself...and I'm yelling "Step away from the computer, I've taken my ticket already and you can't go and play Free Cell!".

As the stand off had a happy ending (well I got the computer), I just want to waffle. Lots of earth shattering thoughts today. Ok, ok, complaining. Observations? Anyway...

One thought that has been swimming in my head since I've started my PhD is that it can quickly become a lonely existance. This normally comes to me when its 6:30am...or 9:00pm...especially on a weekend and you're in the lab doing an experiment and there's no one around. A good example was today at 7:30am, using the FPLC and staring out the window...it was such a nice, sunny morning. Or when you're busy with experiments, and everyone else is relaxing (which is most of the time) and when you're relaxed and want to chat, everyone is busy *sigh*. Well, a PhD is basically doing independent research so you'll have your own work hours, but the people around you make that research journey worthwhile and bearable when things are going bad. A five minute conversation can do wonders and lift your spirits...hmmm, can't believe I wrote that...I think those of you that have known me for years are thinking, "What the hell, a sentimental and heartfelt comment from Kim...that doesn't normally happen...she is normally not emotional or sentimental...

But one thing I'm learning is that I'm more emotional than I previously thought. That leads me to the topic of emotion...being able to express/feel emotion. I wrote in my last post that I'm emotionally challenged, and that was emphasised again today. That's right, I just had another session for my "Assertive Communication for Postgraduates" course. And there's only one more session to go. Anyway, as always, we discuss situations where we have been assertive/not assertive over the past week. Imagine an Alcoholics Anonymous session, and you'll come close to what its like. Two issues that came up this week is how we try to be assertive, but it often doesn't work out the way we want it to, and we "slip back" to our non assertive personas; and how emotion is one of the major factors that prevent us from communicating assertively, especially if it is with/about someone who has an emotional connection to us.

Although I wasn't in the hot seat when we did a role play exploring the issue of emotion in assertive communication, I could definetely imagine myself in a similar situation. (Although I was one of the characters: I played a superficial, competitive, bitchy older woman...well, tried to) Its like when you're watching a movie, and you're on the edge of your seat waiting to see what would happen next. Emotion, such as anger, fear, anixety, sadness etc really clouds/blocks out your thoughts (can't think) and those voices in your head, and therefore makes communicating assertively much, much harder. You often end up acting in response to your emotion, rather than what you really want to say. Then, afterwards, you do the "What if" thing, "What if I had said this instead", "What will they think of me now?"...it goes on and on....

Trying to get past that emotion is hard, and there is no easy solution I guess. Its something I want to figure out though, because its really tiring when you're feeling all this emotion, and when you've got no energy you can't communicate assertively anyway (we discussed that earlier). So I think for me, its three things that I need to communicate assertively:
1. Know my assertive/true self, and be able to hear her voice
2. Not let emotion, especially fear and anger, interfere. Actually, acknowledge their presence and listen to what they're saying. I get angry/afraid for a reason (no matter how silly it is), so maybe the key is to not supress emotion into a box and just let it out. But the few times I've expressed emotion, its been pretty messy... and felt horrible afterwards.
3. Can't think of it now...um...I'll think of it later...but I did have something in mind...started chatting on MSN...

But its going to be interesting, as emotion is not something I deal with well, let alone being able to express/be in tune with it. Three words in the session summed it up: Take baby steps. And understand that the mistakes will be just as educational as the sucesses. And make sure there is a lot of chocolate, upbeat music and things to smash around :)