Kim's To Do List...

This list will grow over time, but I'd thought I'd come up with the top 22 in my mind at the moment...

Kim's To Do List:

1. Finish my PhD in ideally 3 years, realistically 4 years
2. Finish my PhD with my sanity intact, and no regrets
3. To learn how to dance
4. Get fit (a work in progress)
5. Read all the books on my "Books to read" list
6. Watch all the movies on my "Movies to watch" list
7. Do a car maintenance course
8. Develop stress management techniques, or at the very least, realise when panicking and develop strategies to halt its progress (a crucial one I think!)
9. Go on a road trip
10. Watch a uni made theatre production
11. Develop my emotional aspect of myself (it needs some work, its been sorely neglected)
12. Overcome my phobia of skiing
13. Go to a university organised ball
14. Develop/explore some hobbies (if time can be found...)
15. To try speed dating ever since I saw it on an episode on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"
16. Develop strategies to not procrastinate as much...very important skill in a PhD lol
17. To find the courage to "Seize the day" occasionally and remember to communicate assertively (or at the very least, remember the course I did!)
18. On a nice sunny day, go cloud gazing (Haven't done that for years)
19. To remember "Don't cry that its over, but smile because it happened" when something good comes to an end...
20. To wake up when my alarm goes off, and not an hour later...
21. To remember the quirkyalone philosophy...(I'm currently a quirkytogether)
22. That this list will be reviewed and updated on a regular basis :)

It was going to happen eventually...I'd sit here with nothing to write...well, there is plenty to write about, but nothing is being transferred from my mind to keyboard...

Oooh, just thought of something...the weather! *universal groan* We're currently experiencing very cold mornings, but beautiful sunny afternoons, which I love. You can feel the cold touch your face but I know its only temporary, you can feel the promise of the sunny afternoon. Plus I'm in my black puffy coat which makes me feel like the Michaelin Man crossed with an eskimo, but it keeps you warm! Unfortunately, I'm in the lab, which is dominated by glass so you can see outside, and therefore are constantly reminded of the sunny afternoon.

The lab...I mentioned it does get lonely, but its also the place where you meet the most interesting people. And that everyday isn't the same, despite the fact you see the same people all the time. I guess its a bit more relaxed at the moment, as my supervisor isn't here. Well, we feel more comfortable about having 90 minute morning tea breaks! But we're still as hard working as ever! I was helping Brett today to do a Western Blot, which is an experimental technique that lets you find a particular protein in a mixture. It was a bit ironic, as although I've done this technique on numerous occasions, I've never been able to produce a perfect Western. Plus, I've never developed film manually (which is part of the technique that lets you see if you have your protein) before. That was fun, running around trying to find the necessary reagents and equipment. The great thing was, we saw something, which means that Brett's protein was there! Woo hoo! I guess that is the other thing about working in a lab, when someone else's experiment works, you're just as happy for them as if its your own experiment. Now all I need to do is figure out why I can't produce the perfect Western Blot...I've either overheated my proteins (you see steam coming off from the tank!) or I put too much mixture in, so you can't see anything when you develop the film...

:) Listening to "Pump It" by the Black Eyed Peas. I love this song, because everytime I hear it, it reminds me of the emotionally charged Paso Doble done by Grant Denyer in the last season of "Dancing With The Stars". Wish I could dance like that. At the very least, feel comfortable enough to learn how to dance...ooooh, can put that on my to do list...

Just let the thoughts flow, Bridget Jones style

Number of experiments done...0
A very cold morning...faced it as an eskimo and a big mug of hot chocolate.
Amount of cake consumed...4 different varieties...chocolate for breakfast, chocolate mint, tea cake for morning tea...now stuffed with cake :P
Topics of conversation...do aliens exist...hmmm, maybe but the hunt is still on...maybe we're in an alien invasion right now!...are scientists really trustworthy..are we real? Or do we exist Matrix style...so we don't really exist at all! If it is Matrix style, hope my "incubator" has nice beach side views or a mountain view...or at least I get a good view of the sunrise :)

Other things....just had last session of my "Assertive Communication" course...conclusion...sad, will miss the group...wonder if we'll stay in contact? its strange because you learn deep, personal issues about these people, yet you know nothing about these people at all...it would be very strange to learn the basics...their post graduate study, age, where they're from etc...is it possible to get to know people when you met them in a group where you discuss personal issues...be interesting to see...but I think for me it might be a bit too uncomfortable...they know things about me that other people don't have a clue about...but the course taught me a lot...need to know true self made me more self aware, and that assertive communication will not always give you the desired outcome...but rediscovered my assertive voice! Hopefully she'll be around a bit more! Or maybe now just one very confused being :P

Ooooh, lunch time...time to eat...its a time to learn new things...I didn't know that it is bad luck to leave a christmas tree up after New Years Day (thanks Geordie and Ryan)...that might explain why my life has turned out the way it has, as we have always left our christmas tree up every year...lol...not true!

Also highlight of the day is here....just being able to sit and talk to Ryan about random stuff ...and we managed to stay away from lab work...almost...hadn't been able to sit and talk to him for ages been busy doing own thing...conversations like that....although you will have many of these 'everyday' conversations, at the time, with different people, they brighten up your day and remind you that its the people who touch your life make it special and worthwhile. Its so hard to remember sometimes when people treat you like crap, or you're just got a million things to do and can't think straight and you're freaking out...

Had my last 2nd year microbiology tutorial...well a swot vac one next week, not quite the same...feel kind of sad, will miss tutoring although was stressful at times preparing all those tutorials, then getting frustrated when students just aren't interested...though fun trying to explain concepts and a sense of achievement when you know you've communicated a concept effectively :) Got an email about the biochemistry tutorial I did on Tuesday...the one where I wanted to be invisible because I felt I wasn't explaining enzyme kinetics properly...got an email from the tutor who normally takes that class that they found the tutorial useful...cheered me up after that very emotionally bleak Tuesday.

Went to a careers type seminar, where various people talked about their careers and how they got there...I know I'm supposed to network, but its one of the most difficult things, to be able to sell yourself. Makes me want to scream and run away. So I did.

And now...sitting in a computer lab on campus, using a funky apple mac computer...eating an apple...

Number of experiments done...0
Wishing I had power of invisibility like Sue from Fantastic Four...a lot
Wondering if I could be a gunslinger...probably not, I don't have good aim
Watching the lifts in Bio21 go up...and down...and up...and down...1 hour
Number of times wishing could stop analysing...constantly
Number of times wondering why never had emotional problems before...constantly
Being stuck in a sleepy minded vapour...75% of the day
Raging along emotional extremes...10% of the day
Wanting to get out of the lab...15% of the day...but still in it...

Random thoughts at 7:00am

On the quest of "The Da Vinci Code":
Number of people at the start of the quest...9...The importance of the previews before a film...varied from very important to not worth it...Verdict of the movie...varied from loved it to loathed it...Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon...not quite right...Number of people at the end of the quest...6...then 3...having dinner with people in the lab...a lot of fun...The priceless moments...spending time with the people in my lab outside the lab...getting lost on the way home...an insightful conversation with Brett...and being able to watch "The Da Vinci Code" after waiting for ages after reading the book.

Adri's birthday party:
Amount of time spent looking for a birthday present...about 7 hours...trying to find a parking spot...1 hour...Chaise lounge...location of her birthday party...very pink and Victorian...funky 80's disco music that you can sing along to, with the added bonus that no one can hear you...Adri's cake...chocolate with delicious icing...Getting a limited edition summer school t-shirt...very cool...The priceless moments...spending time with people I hadn't seen for a while...walking into the male toilets by mistake (they weren't exactly labelled), making it to the bar and back unscathed...an insightful conversation with Thian Hui at 2:00am in the morning...

and the ultimate... my moronic dancing...absolultely priceless.

Yes, I know, this is similar to the MasterCard ads, but they're my favourite ads, and I'm glad they're still around as the M&M ads aren't shown anymore :(

Feel that emotion, baby...

Just performed tense negotiation, well actually more like a stand-off between my mum and myself...and I'm yelling "Step away from the computer, I've taken my ticket already and you can't go and play Free Cell!".

As the stand off had a happy ending (well I got the computer), I just want to waffle. Lots of earth shattering thoughts today. Ok, ok, complaining. Observations? Anyway...

One thought that has been swimming in my head since I've started my PhD is that it can quickly become a lonely existance. This normally comes to me when its 6:30am...or 9:00pm...especially on a weekend and you're in the lab doing an experiment and there's no one around. A good example was today at 7:30am, using the FPLC and staring out the window...it was such a nice, sunny morning. Or when you're busy with experiments, and everyone else is relaxing (which is most of the time) and when you're relaxed and want to chat, everyone is busy *sigh*. Well, a PhD is basically doing independent research so you'll have your own work hours, but the people around you make that research journey worthwhile and bearable when things are going bad. A five minute conversation can do wonders and lift your spirits...hmmm, can't believe I wrote that...I think those of you that have known me for years are thinking, "What the hell, a sentimental and heartfelt comment from Kim...that doesn't normally happen...she is normally not emotional or sentimental...

But one thing I'm learning is that I'm more emotional than I previously thought. That leads me to the topic of emotion...being able to express/feel emotion. I wrote in my last post that I'm emotionally challenged, and that was emphasised again today. That's right, I just had another session for my "Assertive Communication for Postgraduates" course. And there's only one more session to go. Anyway, as always, we discuss situations where we have been assertive/not assertive over the past week. Imagine an Alcoholics Anonymous session, and you'll come close to what its like. Two issues that came up this week is how we try to be assertive, but it often doesn't work out the way we want it to, and we "slip back" to our non assertive personas; and how emotion is one of the major factors that prevent us from communicating assertively, especially if it is with/about someone who has an emotional connection to us.

Although I wasn't in the hot seat when we did a role play exploring the issue of emotion in assertive communication, I could definetely imagine myself in a similar situation. (Although I was one of the characters: I played a superficial, competitive, bitchy older woman...well, tried to) Its like when you're watching a movie, and you're on the edge of your seat waiting to see what would happen next. Emotion, such as anger, fear, anixety, sadness etc really clouds/blocks out your thoughts (can't think) and those voices in your head, and therefore makes communicating assertively much, much harder. You often end up acting in response to your emotion, rather than what you really want to say. Then, afterwards, you do the "What if" thing, "What if I had said this instead", "What will they think of me now?"...it goes on and on....

Trying to get past that emotion is hard, and there is no easy solution I guess. Its something I want to figure out though, because its really tiring when you're feeling all this emotion, and when you've got no energy you can't communicate assertively anyway (we discussed that earlier). So I think for me, its three things that I need to communicate assertively:
1. Know my assertive/true self, and be able to hear her voice
2. Not let emotion, especially fear and anger, interfere. Actually, acknowledge their presence and listen to what they're saying. I get angry/afraid for a reason (no matter how silly it is), so maybe the key is to not supress emotion into a box and just let it out. But the few times I've expressed emotion, its been pretty messy... and felt horrible afterwards.
3. Can't think of it now...um...I'll think of it later...but I did have something in mind...started chatting on MSN...

But its going to be interesting, as emotion is not something I deal with well, let alone being able to express/be in tune with it. Three words in the session summed it up: Take baby steps. And understand that the mistakes will be just as educational as the sucesses. And make sure there is a lot of chocolate, upbeat music and things to smash around :)

Death and self realisation...does that normally happen on a Wednesday?

Amongst the daily activities of lab life (which will be covered in excruciating detail in a later post), I faced death and found a part of myself that I never knew existed.

What? Does that stuff normally happen on a Wednesday?

Death appeared quite unexpectedly. Brett (one of the honours students in my lab this year) and I were on a hunt to find liquid nitrogen. For those of you that don't do science, its good for one thing - freezing things. Armed with gloves, face masks and a thermos to carry the liquid nitrogen, we managed to find some (which was harder than you think, as it was during lunch). After getting it, we took the lift back to our lab with the liquid nitrogen...which is a big no-no! If you've got liquid nitrogen in an enclosed space (like a lift) you could potentially suffocate and die. It has happened before to a guy at CSRIO. Of course you realise this when the lift doors close...

Obviously, I'm still alive....or is it the Kim clone...how would know? There's nothing like a near death experience to make you appreciate life :) Or make you wiser. Maybe wisdom isn't the right word. Self realisation. Finding a part of myself that I never knew existed. It happened during my session for my "Assertive communication for postgraduates" course.

Today we continued to explore the factors that prevent us from communicating assertively...for a proper definition of assertive communication, see http://theblogexplorer.blogspot.com/2006/05/just-had-another-session-for-my.html Oooooh, just posted a link in my blog!

Anyway, the way the sessions work is that someone describes a situation where they have had difficulty communicating assertively, and they then use a role playing type strategy to try and figure out why. And today it was me.

Oh my god. *pauses* Its hard to write about, but it helps me fully appreciate what happened. Various members were discussing situations in the past week where they had noticed where they had been assertive/not assertive. I was in the non assertive category. There had been several incidents over the past week where I felt that I hadn't been assertive enough, and one incident had led me feeling so angry afterwards, that I felt like I was about to explode. Luckily no one was around. This was when I was asked to share one particular situation with the group. I immediately began to panic. Which situation should I use? I can think of so many where I did not communicate assertively! I ended up choosing a lab related one; one between my supervisor and myself, because I felt I would be most comfortable talking about it. I don't think I could've acted out a more personal situation where I didn't communicate assertively.

So here's the scene. Everyone is sitting in a circle. An empty chair sits in the middle of the circle. I'm standing next to the chair. Its a role play, so I need to assign roles. That was interesting in itself, because you need to tell the person what they need to do. That's hard to do, as I had to articulate my feelings into thoughts. So I had three people fulfilling various roles: (plus myself)
1. my supervisor. That was hard to define, as I had to pretend to be him, to show the other person how to act. Very strange! (those of you who know who he is know that we have completely different personalities!)
2. One of the voices in my mind that I would hear in this situation. To put it in a nutshell, this voice is my non assertive voice, the one that tells me to do as I'm told and fulfill the established role in this situation (to be a good student, don't do anything out of character, basically).
3. The other voice in my mind that I would hear in this situation. I've only heard her recently, and she is mostly overwhelmed by voice 2 and overwhelming panic (or in another room where she can't be heard). Actually, I'm not sure if she even EXISTED until relatively recently. You could call her my "assertive" voice, but I'm not sure that its correct. Maybe she's my true self.
4. And me, sitting in the chair.

We then act out the situation. With actual people being the voices in your head is very helpful. It helps you to figure out why you're not communicating assertively and see them in a different light. Very stressful though. Its so hard to describe what you're feeling when you're on the brink of panic. Its so hard to focus, and I was so outside my comfort zone! At one point, the two people were both speaking at once, with conflicting views. It was driving me crazy, I couldn't think and I suddenly yelled at them to shut up! That made everyone in the room laugh *lol* Anyway, as I was going through this, I slowly began to realise something. Voice number 3 was actually helping me, overcoming the words from voice 2...it took a while but I realised that voice 3 is a part of me. She cares about me and wants me to succeed, in my PhD and my life in general. I can't describe the feeling when I realised that. A sense of amazement and realisation, I think. I have the ability to do this, to face my fears (and life) and communicate assertively. I connected with a part of myself I never knew existed.

It reminded me of something Mariam told me :) That to deal with any issues in your life you have to find the part of yourself that is able to do so. Other people can support you along the way, but at the end of the day, its up to me, myself and I.

That session also made me realise other things as well. I have never actually articulated/faced my emotions like that before in my life (ok, maybe one other time but I only faced them, I didn't articulate them). I've normally boxed up my emotions and stashed them somewhere and I find it very difficult to define my emotions in my own head (as this session showed) let alone expressing them. It was very liberating, like I'm more in tune with my true self/voice number 3. It won't make the next time I express my emotional side any easier, but I least I know it can be done. And to do that front of strangers as well. It was actually easier in this case because I knew we were all there for the same reason (to learn how to communicate assertively). But hearing their comments after the role play, made me realise that other people can empathise with my situation. You're not alone :)

It was an emotionally draining session! In a nutshell, I found a part of myself I didn't know existed (or she was hidden very well) and I'm emotionally challenged. And who actually is the true me? Questions that can't be solved straight away...its all part of the journey of self discovery.

And for the record, I'm NOT schizophrenic :)

To the world of clubbing I go...

Clubbing and going to a nightclub has always been one of those things where I theoritically know what it is, but never actually done it. I've always been curious to see what its like, so I went on Friday night with Thian Hui, Wendy and Carmen.

After meeting up at Melbourne Central, we headed over to Billboard. The first thing I realised was that I had walked past it a million times (its on Russell St) but had never really realised its a night club. Anyway, we went in, and as you head down the stairs, you're greeted by the music - which was R & B with a throbbing beat. We sat down, but it was difficult to talk, as the music was very loud. Wendy and Carmen got up to dance, while Thian Hui and I sat and checked out the other people that were there. To sum up: a lot of sleazy guys trying to pick up (with varying degrees of success - one guy tried a robot type strategy that didn't work too well, I think) and scantily clad girls. I felt overdressed, and should've warn a mini skirt and a very low cut top to fit in a bit better. There was one very funny guy, who looked like he was doing weird fishing movements as he was dancing. Or it could've been the fact that the style of his jeans did not suit him at all. After a while, Thian Hui and I joined Carmen and Wendy on the dancefloor. It was there I realised why people go clubbing...you get this surreal, amazing feeling that all that exists is the music that's flowing through you and that you're sharing this experience with your friends.

At about 1:30am we left, and went to Cookie (which is also one of those places that I've walked past a million times but never went in) to talk before heading home.

So what do I think about clubbing? I've realised that R & B is not my music of choice. I should probably drink before going clubbing so I'm more relaxed, and that there are some really sleazy guys out there. And that I prefer a bar :)

Just had another session for my "Assertive communication for postgraduates" course. Just like last week, the two hours I spent in there raises a lot of issues to think about, which is all muddled in my head. I'm just a simple minded girl...

So first of all, a better definition of assertive communication is needed - the one in my last post was pretty crap:

...that complex of behaviors, emitted by a person in an interpersonal context, which express that person's feelings, attitudes, wishes, opinions or rights directly, firmly and honestly, while respecting the feelings, wishes, opinions and rights of the other person(s). Such behavior may include the expression of such emotions as anger, fear, caring, hope, joy, despair, indignance, embarrassment, but in any event is expressed in such a manner which does not violate the rights of others. Assertive behaviour is differentiated from aggressive behavior, which while expressive of one person's feelings, attitudes, wishes, opinions or rights, does not respect these characteristics in others. - "Principles for the ethical practice of assertive behaviour training" pp189. Alberti, R.E. and Emmons, M. L. (1975) Your Perfect Right. California: Impact Publishers.

That definition is much better and captures the essense of what assertive communication is and sets the tone for the course. Today we focused more on our fears - what prevented us from communicating assertively? Its easy to know that you have fears, but to actually define them is much, much harder! For everyone its slightly different, but I know for me, it was a fear of what other people will think of you, feeling embarassed, being worried about the consequences, and past experience in a similar situation. Well, to be honest, it varies for each situation, but those were the ones that I thought of at the time. We then did a role play of some situations where we need to be assertive, and dissected what was going through their mind as this was occuring. This is much harder than you think (thank god I wasn't the one who had to sit in the middle providing the situation) as the fear is more a feeling that isn't defined, but by defining the fear, it helps you face it a bit more rationally and see the situation in a different light. And even though I wasn't actively participating, I could empathise with the situation, and I thought to myself "I've been in that situation before, where I can't decide what to do, and there are all these conflicting voices in your head and you're feeling uncomfortable and embarassed and your anixety levels increase 100 fold every second." I was also thinking, "Wow, her voice of determination to speak assertively is within earshot - mine is outside the room and I don't hear it until the situation is over!" *lol*

This session was good because it helped define my fears that are holding me back from communicating assertively. The other good thing that was brought up was that this course is not a miracle cure where at the end of it, we'll be able to communicate assertively everytime. It will provide with the strategies to do it. It also pointed out that assertive communication can be the "right" way to go, but may bring consequences you don't want. We have to learn to accept the risk and the consequences. But its hard though, a thing could guilt (or is it regret?) gets in the way...or just the fact you keep thinking/obsessing about it...

:P These sessions are almost like self reflection sessions where you talk one on one with a therapist (who looks like Jack Devine *lol*), except you're in a group of strangers, with all different backgrounds, except you're united by the fact we're all postgraduates, and that we want to learn how to communicate assertively.

Oh, I also did a training course today to learn how to do a new technique for one of my experiments - and I fell asleep. Even coffee didn't save me. Go figure.